Monkey Masks: The Best Way To Beat a Traffic Ticket

Speed traps aren’t too bad, right?  They’re just like traffic cops, but friendlier and more likely to ticket white people!  You know who they can’t ticket, though?  People wearing animal masks.

“Our officers actually conducted surveillance on him and observed him putting the mask on just prior to the photo-enforcement zone. So obviously, he intended on speeding through the zone and was covering his face intentionally,” DPS Lieutenant Steve Harrison tells 92.3 KTAR. “He had two masks. One appeared to be [of] a monkey, the other one appeared to be [of] a giraffe or some type of gazelle design.”…

Vontesmar said. “The ball’s in their court. I sent back all these ones I got with a copy of my drivers license, and said, ‘It’s not me. I’m not paying them.’ “

HAHA.  This guy went out of his way to put on a gorilla mask and then pedal to the metal through speed traps.  A true hero of boredom.  And he didn’t do this just once…

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People of Wal-Mart: Some Shirts, Some Shoes

I support small businesses as much as the next guy, which is to say I pay respectful lip service to their pluck and perseverance in the face of the massive market advantages of corporations, while actually buying my pretzel rods in 5-lb bins at the nearest RiteAid.  And as a small business owner myself (specialty glues and tapes), I believe in the American Dream of pouring your love, effort, and savings into a venture that lets you live and work as your own man on your own terms until Japenese-owned, Mexican-powered, D.C.-lobbied supercompanies toss the pride of your life and heart into the industrial meat grinder of American-style capitalism.

But at the end of the day, sometimes you have to shop at Wal-Mart.  For the friends you’ll make.  People of Wal-Mart is your new hilarious time-waster website this morning.  It’s like Supermarket Sweep meets Faces of Meth!

Thanks for this to Rich, who is a Target man, ride or die.

Video: Ben Stiller Tries To Teach Mickey Rooney Twitter

Mickey Rooney has been old forever.  He was old twenty years ago, he was old thirty years ago, and he’s basically up to the neck in oldness now.  As such, like many very old people, he’s out of touch with a few things.  Especially?  Twitter.  Ben Stiller (not getting any younger himself) attempts to explain Twitter to a man who grew up in the Roaring ’20s, fought Nazis, and married Ava Gardner.

Mickey Rooney demands to know: “You find this fun and interesting??”  

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Forget CDs, It Is Actually Books That Make the Ladies Say Unh

It’s a big day for old-school technology.  First, CDs were gettin’ all the ladies to do the backseat twist and now the word comes that the come comes… from words…  That inversion only worked a little bit, but the point is that a bookstore in Brooklyn has started an AdultFriendFinder of sorts that pairs you up based on what books you like.

“It actually started when a friend of mine walked into the store and saw two books together behind the counter, one by Neil Gaiman and Steve Toltz,” Anderson said. “And she said, ‘tell me those are for the same guy, and please tell me he’s single!’ So, I got to thinking we could match people by literary taste.”

And if you’ve noticed, when chatting up gals at the bars, Books Game > Movies Game > talking about how much you like to gamble.  Why is that?  

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CDs Are What Makes the Ladies Say Unh

Here is an ’80s commercial from Philips, a maker of “electronics,” which were inventions used to record children’s birthdays (before Twitter) and watch pornography (before iPhones).  There was also another electronic, called “CDs,” that allowed you store up to 80 whole minutes of music in one place.  Ha ha – old technology wasn’t as good!  That’s not the real joke here, though.  What’s really fascinating is that this commercial pinpoints the exact moment at which a poorly-thought-out mixtape was discovered as an acceptable path to second base.  As if your Ford Thunderbird weren’t enough!  CDs are like diamond rings for her ears!  You will be doing all manner of things above her waist yet below her chin in no time flat, with the power of CDs.

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Drugs Inspire Art Once Again

There is an art gallery in Manhattan‘s East Village called Giant Robot, but the latest exhibition there is very small (also: no robots).  The concept, cooked up by the curators, is pretty intelligent: let’s just get all our artist friends to make a little something and – bam – exhibition done, early weekend.  ”Little” is the operative word: each of the 300 pieces had to fit in a 3×3 inch dime bag, which, as you probably know, is a the type of baggie drugs come in.  3×3 inches is definitely the Hefty industrial-sized bag of dime bags.

Drugs have always gotten all the credit for art; finally, empty drug containters get their due in “Dime Bag 3“.  Pics of the best pieces, including Don’t Box Me In, A Room Without a View, and Young Michael Jackson in Lego, after the J.  

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Video: Is This The Year’s Best Commercial So Far?

Adfreak, which spends a lot of time thinking about commercials, says yes, possibly.  It is a “Keep Walking” ad for Johnnie Walker.  Old school, because because it’s filmed in the drabber, more scotch-y parts of Scotland and talks up JW’s heritage and tradition (as scotch/whisky ads tend to).  Innovative, because it is a five-minute YouTube ad with a simple conceit and no punchline, yet it makes you want to keep hearing about scotch whisky, JW specifically.  Also, the entire monologue was done in one take by actor Robert Carlyle, whom you will know as the bad guy in The World Is Not Enough or the mustachioed sociopath in Trainspotting.

It’s interesting, I think, so if you like interesting, you may like it.  On the other hand, Evan Williams fo life!  That’s a little joke for those of you who are poor but like to drink a lot.  Ad, ATJ!

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Who Is the Best Drinker in Modern History?

A new article in Modern Drunkard, a magazine deeply interested in questions like these, posits an intriguing choice:

[He] holds the world record for the largest number of beers consumed in a single sitting… during a six-hour period [he] drank 119 of them. It was one of the few times [he] got drunk enough to pass out, which he did in a hallway at his hotel. His companions, quite drunk themselves, couldn’t move the big man. Fearing trouble with cops, they stole a piano cover from the lounge and draped it over [his] inert form.  Think about it: 119 beers in six hours. That’s a beer every three minutes, non stop.

This man lumbered in at 7’5″ and over 500 lbs, and he once told a doctor, “It usually takes two liters of vodka just to make me feel warm inside.”  Who is this so-called man?  

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Which Jumbo-Sized Home Beer Dispenser Is Best?

In these economically bummersome times, thrifty spenders are looking for innovative new ways to drink their cheap beer even more cheaply.  MillerCoors LLC, maker of, uh, Miller and Coors, has just released the new Home Draft package, which is a 1.5 gallon box of beer that fits in your fridge.  It has a tap on it, keeps beer fresh and draft-y tasting for up to 30 days, and comes in two flavors, Miller Light and Coors Light.

This in the wake of other industrial strength beer dispensers for the mass consumption nights, the Heineken mini-keg being the most prominent.  Which of these gives you the best beering experience for your buck?  Rundown, after the jump.  

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Cheap Trick Says, Screw It, We're Releasing an 8-Track

Cheap Trick: are those guys still alive?  In fact, yes, and they never really stopped making albums.  ”The American Beatles,” as Wikipedia claims they have been called, got big with “I Want You to Want Me” and “Surrender” in the ’70s and ’80s.  Those are good songs that I like a lot.  Have I heard any Cheap Trick from the years since, say 1990?  No, but they’ve got a pretty nifty new gambit: their latest album (called The Latest) is available in 8-track tape format.  

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