“Disneyland Jack Sparrow” Is the Number One Job for MILF Lovers

Nerve recently located an illuminating year-old story about the perks and perils of being a Disneyland Jack Sparrow.  The downside: working for Disney is draining because “they’re Nazis in Mickey hats” who are borderline-obsessive in docking employees for every little demerit, from getting to work late (in L.A. traffic) to hanging out with other “characters” in public.  The upside?

Here’s a napkin someone wrote on for me: “I will give you a blow job on your break, so sexy! Kim—714-XXX-XXXX.” I would also get offers from women in my ear: “Anything you want, just find me.” I had a girl who had turned 18 the day before. She was with a high school group, and she wrote down her room number at the Downtown Disney hotel. I had a lady hump my leg one day in the park.

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Sub Pop Records Is Giving Away Free Music on "Cybersex" Sampler With Old-Timey Website

Sub Pop, the legendary undergroundish record label that has signed Nirvana, Soundgarden, The Shins, and Flight of the Conchords, has created a new promotional webpage to give away music.  First up, the 14-track “Cybersex Digital Sampler,” which includes songs by Iron and Wine, The Vaselines, and Flight of the Conchords.  

The website is unusual because…  

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Do Bald and Gray-Haired Men Get All the Honeys?

A British scholar is suggesting that baldness and gray hair may actually get you laid, contravening the assumption that has powered thousands of years of wigs, dyes, and transplants.  

Men have evolved to attract women. Because only some men go bald, we must assume that different women are attracted differently. Some women will be attracted to young men, but young men are untried and therefore risky, so some women will seek sugar daddies instead. Mating with sugar daddies invokes a different set of risks but the trophy wife is nonetheless making a rational choice – one that may well have been rewarded preferentially in the Stone Age – to which she is in part guided by baldness in her man.

If you’re bald or gray, good news!  You will attract superficial b*tches who want to use you for your money.  Though this is maybe kind of a simplistic theory.  But according to the writer, it all started 75,000 years ago…  

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Caution: Mouth-Sexing 200 Men May Be Hazardous to Your Health

It is stories like these that make my job difficult.  There are just so many angles to be taken here, I’m afraid I’d blow it and choose the wrong one (that was one angle.  The “blow it” thing.  Because it’s a story about blowjobs.).  I’ll just give it to you straight:

“Sexy Cora,” a 21-year-old porno actress in Germany, had to go to the hospital while trying to break the world record for oral-sexing the most dudes.  She collapsed after the unlucky number 75 made love in her mouth, because of “breathing difficulties.”  She was aiming for 200, which supposedly would break the world record.  She just wanted to make her father proud!  But what’s the current world record, you ask?

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Anatomically Correct Slow Jam

I suppose this is the way an R. Kelly video would sound if he had any idea how the human body worked and wasn’t busy writing songs about midgets coming out of closets and stuff.

Check out the video after the jump>>>

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Woman Arrested After Charging For Sex, Claiming Companionship Charge

An Orlando woman was arrested and charged with prostitution after she was intercepted by an undercover cop.  But she was ready for such an occasion, as she was very clear that she was not being paid for sex, but rather her companionship.

Keep reading after the jump>>>

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DUSL – "Do You Scream Loud?" – The Top 50 Sexting Acronyms

Have you heard the news, Mabel??  Our children are out there sex-telephoning on their BlackPhones!  But they’re using a secret language only other textual-messaging fornicators can understand!  They are calling it “sexting” and they are hiding it from us.  It’s like actual sex, but even worse!

Local news website myFoxAtlanta, though, has helpfully cracked the secret sexting code being used by all these deviant sex-desirous teen-agers.  And they’ve released a list of the top acronyms, so that parents can know!  For instance “GYPO” means “Get Your Pants Off.”  And, as we’ve all suspected, “FMLTWIA” is “F*ck Me Like the Whore I Am.”  Try these new sexcronyms on your friends.  The best of them, plus an actual conversation between teenagers using the sex code, after the jump. 

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Chinese Theme Park About F*cking, We Hardly Knew Ye

“Love Land” was a theme park that had it all: a history of sex exhibition, a sex improvement workshop, a giant sculpture of a woman’s body from the waist down, a giant replica of a vagina, a giant replica of a penis…  Actually, from the descriptions, so far it sounds less like a “theme park” in the American sense and more like a bunch of private parts done up big.  It was slated to open in October in Chongqing, but over the weekend, news of it began to appear in international media, and the Chinese government got embarrassed because now the entire world thinks that Chinese people like sex.  And today, they shut that park right down.  Really, China?  There are like 1.6 billion of you – you’re not fooling anyone here. 

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Corpses Are Having Sex Right in Our Museums

A new exhibition called “Body Worlds” that features over 200 human bodies, preserved and posed, just opened in Berlin.  This, in itself, is not new or weird – you’ve probably seen or at least heard of the “Bodies” exhibition that bounces around U.S. cities.  But the Berlin show has a special twist:

In one exhibit a male body is lying on his back with a woman sitting astride him with her back towards his head.

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The Barcelona Sex Project

Sounds, um, sexy…doesn’t it?

Keep reading after the jump to hear what it is>>>

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