New Usher Single "Rockband" Proves We're at the Point of Making Songs About Video Games About Songs

“That’s refreshing,” you’re probably thinking, “Usher has decided to make a new single about a video game rather than about his penchant for making love to women in various different venues.”  But then it turns out that “Rockband” deals less with the video game of the same name, and more with Usher and the sexual activities he participates in with women (in various different venues).  The metaphor is a little flimsy, if you ask me.  Usher’s going to beat the woman like a video game?  Uh?  He’s rocking her in the same way that he plays Rock Band?  Presumably he is good at Rock Band?  Is he comparing his lovemaking skills to the vocal abilities of the Mick Jagger avatar in the game, or to Mick Jagger’s lovemaking skills in real life?

All we can know for sure is that while it’s totally not a big deal or anything one way or the other, Usher certainly wouldn’t be opposed to appearing in the next Rock Band game, if somebody happened to ask him to.

Source: ONTD.

With Lullaby G'NR and Nine Inch Nails, Your Baby Will Grow Up Metal

Rockabye Baby is a plucky little web venture that makes instrumental lullaby melodies from your favorite face-melting rock tracks.  Rolling Stones?  Yep.  Guns ‘n Roses?  You bet!  …Nine Inch Nails?  Sure, why not.  ”I want to stuff you like an ANIMAL/I want to teethe you from the INSIDE,” “Head like a hole/ Dark as my soul/ I’d rather CRY/ Than eat from my BOWL.”  Kids need to know.  I want my child’s first memories to be scored to the tunes Trent Reznor thought would match with lyrics about dehumanizing sex and intravenous drug use.

Some other fine lullaby rock includes Green Day (hey, that “Longview” bassline kicks it middle-school-band-percussion-section-style on the glockenspiel) and the Pixies.  The lullaby Pixies sound pretty identical to the regular Pixies.  Less distortion on the xylophone, maybe.  The site also has a poll through which you can vote on your next favorite band to nursery-mix.  If we all vote for Slayer, it will come true!

Shakira, Lil Wayne, and Timbaland Not Really Trying on "Give It Up to Me"

Hmm, well this is a little disappointing.  In my manic-depressive relationship with Top 40 music, I can usually count on Timbaland, Lil Wayne, and Shakira to serve some smiles, and one would imagine that a collaboration including all three of them would yield at least a little dash of tinsel.  But unfortunately, they all got in the studio together and found that each and every one of them had forgotten to bring the wow that day.  Shakira was getting kind of defensive like, “Timbaland, you said you were going to bring the wow.  I was under the impression that I would not need to bring the wow on this one.  Lil Wayne, I’m going to assume you left the wow at home in your codeine cup right?”  ”Wait, what?  I just woke up.”  ”Exactly.”

So on “Give It Up to Me,” there are three very talented musicians, each one giving the song at most 70%.  Lil Wayne’s contribution to this song, pen to mic, did not take more than 45 minutes.  Shakira sings like she’s just trying to nail an adequate take and get back to the pool, and Timbaland clearly polled everyone in his crew, asking, “‘Say It Right‘ was three years ago – no one remembers that anymore, right?  Terrific, just throw those instrumentals on again.”  After the jump.  

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"Sharks in Venice" Starring Stephen Baldwin Needs No Further Explanation

Venice, jewel of Europe, peaceful siphon of American tourist dollars, target… for DISASTER.  In a continuing attempt to slake the moviegoing public’s ravenous appetite for dangerous animals in unlikely places, Hollywood has offered us Sharks in Venice, now, as FilmDrunk notes, available on DVD.

The seemingly tranquil waterways of Venice are terrorized by the perfect killing machine. In search of his father who has mysteriously disappeared diving in the city [Ed: three guesses], David stumbles across the cryptic trail leading to the long-lost fortune of the Medici. As the unwitting pawn in a Mafia plot to recover the treasure, David’s girlfriend is kidnapped at gunpoint, plunging him into a desperate race against time…

It is important to note that David is played by Stephen Baldwin, the one who baptized Spencer Pratt in the holy rivers of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! If the trailer above isn’t enough to convince you to buy the movie, be sure to admire the special effects, plus a sneak peak at the next “organisms where they aren’t supposed to be” films in production, after the jump.  

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Devious Internet Leaks New Michael Jackson Single "This Is It" Early

Michael Jackson‘s latest (/last?) single “This Is It,” which was to be released later this month in conjunction with This Is It, the Michael Jackson movie, got leaked early on the internet.  Whichever of his estate’s managers runs michaeljackon.com had pretty limited options, so he posted the song on the site early and chased other versions of it off YouTube.

You can also order it in vinyl next month, despite that Jackson’s big years were really situated more in the Paleo-CD era.  Song, after the jump.  

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New Rap Song “Don’t Shank, Just Skank” Encourages British People To Stop Stabbing Each Other

Hot new track burning up the British charts here.  “Don’t Shank, Just Skank” is a tune by rappers Donaeo, Rollin’ G, and a few others, and it is, in addition to being a certified club-bumper, also a certified Public Service Announcement Against Knife Crimes.  If you weren’t aware, the UK has a bit of a “citizens stabbing each other to death” problem, enough so that there is a governmental taskforce (TKAP or “Tackling Knives Action Programme”) and an active campaign to reduce knife-carrying “among 10 to 16 year olds.” (!!)

The campaign is called “It Doesn’t Have To Happen,” which is completely sensible.  By no means do senseless stabbing deaths have to happen, and yet it took a catchy hip-hop song to teach all of us that (us = you, over on that dystopian, gin-soaked, knife-crazy island).

Remember, kids: not so much with the shanking, definitely as much as possible with the skanking.

Source: BBC via The Awl.

New Rammstein Music Video Is Just Porn With a Song

Innuendo in rock music and videos?  What is this, 1894?  This ain’t your grandpa’s “Let Me Put My Love Into You,” folks.  This is Rammstein.  Excuse me, RAAAAMMMSTEEEINNN!!!  This is a band that named themselves after an airshow disaster that killed 71 people.  Their new single, released yesterday, is titled, simply, “P*ssy.”  Can you guess what the song is about?  You don’t have to, because the video explains it for you.

The vid was shot by Jonas Akerlund, a very respected director who has worked with everyone from Madonna to Metallica.  (He did Lady GaGa’s “Paparazzi” video earlier this year.)  Jonas Akerlund was probably in the studio pitching his video idea to Rammstein, when one of the Rammstein guys interrupted him.  ”Look, I know you are very respected director dat hast vorked vith everyone from Madonna to Metallica, but I am not thinking American audiences to understand what is meant by ‘bratwurst in dein sauerkraut.’  So how about instead of making a music video, we just film ourselves having sex with a bunch of models?”  

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New Asher Roth Video Will Surely Win the Admiration of the Rap World

New Asher Roth, yo!  The video for the new single “She Don’t Wanna Man” just dropped.  Roth has already done his incisive and informative take on college – where could he go next?  Did you guess “the dancefloor”?  He is absolutely going to the dancefloor!  ”Ain’t lookin’ for romance/ I just want to dance (dance)/ On the dancefloor.”  Oh man, where have I heard that one before?  Answer: why, I recognize that lyric from every popular song since 1998, of course!  I knew it sounded familiar.

The video is mostly Asher Roth being like, boast boast, I’m cool I’m cool – JK, rap world!  I’m not cool, I’m just a white person.  And then just a string of antics meant to show, it’s OK, I realize that it is just the silliest thing for a small Jewish man to rap a club banger.  Me and Keri Hilson – how delightfully absurd!  I get it, rapper guys, don’t worry.  (Please accept me into your rapper world.) Watch as my awkward friends make out with fat chicks!  I’m flashing a one-dollar bill, ironic-balllerrr!!  We get way awkward up in this club, am I right?  You know what I’m talking about, white people!  And they’re like, LOL so true, however in the interest of realness I’m going to go listen to some 50 Cent or Fitty as I like to call him.  I hope all y’all ladiez like Sex on the Beach I mean the drink or do I?!  

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Real Housewife Kim Zolciak Sings Like the Angels on Her New Leaked Single

I haven’t really been following that whole Real Housewives thing too hard, to be honest.  It’s kind of like how I feel about Bob Dylan and scotch in the sense that it just seems daunting to become knowledgeable and conversant about Bob Dylan and scotch because there’s just so much that has happened with Bob Dylan and scotch, too much to learn.  Real Housewives as well.  There’s like five shows with like 20 characters on each and they’re all three seasons deep or whatever: Real Housewives is like the Bob Dylan of things I don’t want to learn about.  Sorry.  I’m not trying to be all, I’m too fancy for Real Housewives. It’s just that I usually only like things that are good.  And as someone who does not have a wife or a house or a particularly coherent reality, I just don’t see a lot that speaks to me in this show.

All of which is to say that Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta (pictured above for your viewing terror) just had her new CD single leaked onto the internet.  It is called “Tardy for the Party.”  The main advice is “Don’t be tardy for the party.”  But there’s controversy!  

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What America Means to Me: Aubrey O’Day Covering Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time”

Exciting times we live in, friends!  Virtuoso songstress Aubrey O’Day has covered virtuoso balladeer Eddie Murphy‘s 1985 hit “Party All the Time“!  That’s all well and good, you grumble, looking all downcasty, but how am supposed to afford this song that I would really like to buy, what with my savings demolished by the recession?

According to The Sun, “you can hear [it] for FREE” (emphasis theirs, hilariously).  Does Aubrey O’Day actually yell, “It’s Rick James, b*tch!” at some point in the song?  You’ll just have to listen to find out.  (She does.)  New song plus the original, after the jump.  

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