Hey, anyone who stops in the middle of the street to recite the “Pledge of Allegiance” is alright in our book. Isn’t that what Hayden Panettiere is doing… No? Ok. We’re still pretty sure she’s a real patriot. In other news…

Hayden’s mom Lesleyrecently filed for divorce, TMZ reports.

Lesley’s estranged husband, Alan, was charged for striking Lesley in the face back in August of 2008; Lesley listed the date of separation as July of 2008.

That sucks. Sorry to hear. You know what, you’re our favorite little patriot, Hayden. We’ll get through this, together. Just give us a call. You know how to get in touch. Photos>>>

So, now that we know Zooey Deschanel is single, we can take a stab at making a run at her. We know her likes (indie rock, ironic pale dudes) and her dislikes (ok, maybe we don’t know her dislikes). Now, we just need an approach. She’s super cute, artistic, funny (maybe) and has a steady job. We can’t imagine she makes all that much… wait, what? She has how much money??

Details:

– Zooey — who stars in “New Girl” — makes an average of $95,000 a month
– Her expenses average $22,550 a month
– She has 3 credit cards … AmEx, Visa and Mastercard, all of which have a 0 balance.
– She has $1,578,000 in the bank
– Zooey has an additional $1,645,000 in stocks, bonds, etc.
– Zooey has real and personal property valued at $693,300

As for what she spends a month, Zooey says she drops $1,000 on groceries and household supplies, $500 eating out (really?), $800 on utilities, $300 for her various phones and email accounts, $600 in laundry and cleaning, $2,000 for clothes.

She’s hotter today than she was yesterday, huh? Yeah, admit it. You just adjusted your collar when you realized you were looking at a cute girl with bank. We see you!

Apparently she also donates $1,500 a month to charity. How nice. So, where do you stand?

According to Just Jared, late-night funny woman Chelsea Handler and her boyfriend Andre Balazs have split up. So, there you have it. Sad news for some, but for you, dear reader, this only means that now is your chance to make your move. She’s newly single and ready to mingle.

Details:

Chelsea Handlerand her hotelier beau,Andre Balazs, have called split, a rep for the actress tells JustJared.com.

The 36-year-old funnywoman, who will hit the big screen early next year in This Means War, dated Andre for just under a year.

It’s no wonder she was rocking some low-cut one-piece this weekend at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards in New York City. Ready to party, Ms. Handler? Of course you are.

Some dudes don’t necessarily feel Ms. Handler, but we’re totally down. She’s pretty funny, which really adds to her hotness. Plus, now she’s got money! The complete package. Make your move fellas or get out of the way. We might beat you to it!

After just 72 days of what was likely the most awkward marriage in the history gold digger-dom, Kim Kardashian has finally filed for divorce from NBA “player” Kris Humphries.

Details, via TMZ:

We’re told even though the marriage was short, she will not seek an annulment. It’s a garden variety divorce, in which Kim cites “irreconcilable differences.”

We’re told the date of separation is listed as today, Oct. 31, 2011.

Kim has hired disso-queen Laura Wasser, who has repped the likes of Britney Spears, Maria Shriver, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Reynolds, and Robyn Gibson, Mel’s almost ex-wife.

As we first reported, the couple has a prenuptial agreement … Kim made sure of that.

That sucks, bro. Oh well, at least you can rebound… not from this marriage, you’re doomed, Kris, but you’re a pretty damn good rebounder. That should get you an Olsen twin or maybe one of the Lohans. At the very least.

Now that Ms. Kardashian is once again single, let’s take a look back at some of her hottest moments–including a Playboy spread–that the Internet has to offer. She’s probably looking for someone to comfort her, which is where you step in. So take a look at these pictures and let’s come up with a gameplan. You can totally bag her. Well, as long as you have a reality show or are willing to be a prop. To get to wake up next to that for 72 days, we’re in!

Funny story. Apparently, Michaele Salahi’s husband,Tareq Salahi, has told that police that his wife has been kidnapped! The horror! Here’s what we think happened…

Details:

[H]e last saw Michaele at their home around 11 AM ET yesterday … right before he left to go to their winery.  Tareq says Michaele told him she was going to get her hair done — but she never went to the appointment … and she’s been missing ever since.

Tareq claims he got a phone call from Michaele late last night … from an unfamiliar Oregon cell phone number … and she told him she was going to her mother’s house, located minutes away from the Salahi home.

Some many years back we were watching some Maury Povich (holler!), as we normally do during the day, and this dude was on the show claiming he was kidnapped THREE TIMES, when in fact he was cheating. Every time he came home late at night after screwing some other woman who would tell her he had just been kidnapped. Three times! So f-ing hilarious.

Watch:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Dude was kidnapped THREE TIMES! This is immediately what we thought of when we heard about this ridiculous story. First, the Salahi’s are fame whores. The biggest fame whores not named Kris Jenner. So it’s easy to see why they would cook something up like this. But, let’s pretend like this dude really thinks his wife has been kidnapped. Great. Here’s the real scoop on what she’s doing: She’s probably banging this dude…

Joe Biden! There you go, problem solved.

In all seriousness, she’s out cheating on her husband and he’s freaking out, so he’s claiming she was kidnapped. Pathetic move, bro. Just change the locks and move on. She obviously has.

So you’ve probably heard the news that Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have officially split up. Well, we happen to believe that this is good news for everyone involved, including you. First, you have Jeter who can now recycle Kelly with a fresh, new 20-year-old with a killer body. Not bad, Jeets. Second, this means that Minka Kelly is single and ready for a rebound. Meaning, she’s ready to date YOU!

Let’s gather around and talk about a gameplan here. We don’t want you going blindly at her. You need to know what she does and doesn’t like. Now, we don’t know Ms. Kelly personally, but we can tell you that we’re pretty certain she likes high-profile guys with hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank. AND she probably wants some dude who every chick north of Florida and east of California wants to bang. So, if that’s you, let’s talk! We might be able to help you bag Ms. Kelly.

Until then, though, let’s take a look at her hottest moments!

Sad to see it happen, but now that Jada Pinkett and Will Smith have split up we’re here to embrace Ms. Pinkett as a single lady. Holler!

It’s probably been quite some time since Ms. Pinkett has been courted, so we suggest you don’t drop some heavy lines on her, fellas. Plus, she’s probably not used to someone who is able to drop some serious game, which is good news for you. But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let’s embrace the beauty that is Jada Pinkett Smith. Sure the ink isn’t quite dry, but we’ve waited long enough!

It appears that Prince Harry has broken up with girlfriend Florence Brudenell-Bruce, which, of course, means that we need to embrace her as a single lady this morning. This is your chance, fellas, to get some royal sloppy seconds.

Details:

Prince Harry has ended his short romance with his latest sweetheart, underwear model Florence Brudenell-Bruce.

The split comes just two months after the pair got together and sources have revealed that the prince just doesn’t want to be ‘tied down’.

Miss Brudenell-Bruce – who used to go out with Formula 1′s Jenson Button – asked him to join her on holiday in Ibiza next month, but that will not now happen.

Free vacation! So, there’s also that. Gents, get to know Ms. Brudenell-Bruce and what tickles her fancy before reaching out. Our guess is that she’s into tea parties and crumpets and… The Clash? F-Listed, forever single. Sigh.

Photos>>>

In case you missed the news yesterday, Kate Bosworth and her vampire boyfriend Alexander Skarsgard split up. Yes, that only means that Bosworth is now available to start dating… YOU! Believe that.

Details:

After nearly two years together, True Blood‘s Alexander Skarsgard and 21 actress Kate Bosworth have called it quits, Us Weekly has confirmed exclusively.

“It was very mutual,” a source tells the new issue of Us (on newsstands Wednesday). “And it happened a while ago.”

While Bosworth, 28, was photographed giving her ex,Orlando Bloom (now married to Miranda Kerr) a friendly hug on July 7, her Straw Dogs costar Skarsgard has been embracing his freedom.

There’s nothing like embracing ones freedom. Do enjoy yourself, Mr. Skarsgard. As for Ms. Bosworth, there’s nothing more exciting than posting a hot photo gallery of a newly-single woman. To which, we will do after the jump!

Here are the 10 hottest Kate Bosworth photos for your viewing>>>

This is a pretty funny case of “he said, she said” between Ron Artest, nay, Metta World Peace and a female college student. In it, Artest had sent some pretty sexually awkward texts along with a photo of his Metta World dong.

You would typically think this story is a little curious, since not only have the Tweets been deleted, and the woman remained anonymous, but also because the story is coming straight from the folks over at Deadspin. We love the team over at Deadspin, have for some time now (there’s actually a photo of one of Team F-Listed member at the Deadspin one-year anniversary party), but we know that some often take what they report with a grain of salt. This story, however, seems to have its ends tied fairly tight.

More>>>

From the fact that the phone is registered to a Ron Artest to the fact that Artest pretended not to be “Ron Artest” when his phone was called the next day after he spoke to Deadspin from that same number to the fact that he hired Matthew Hiltzik, who makes a living making things go away. It’s all there, and we’re pretty sold.

Details:

I often tried to joke my way out of his sexts:

Ron: You like to 69?
Me: I mean like… what if someone really needs to fart. Then shit is awkward.
Ron: Have u ever swallowed during getting eaten out?
Me: No. I try not to snack while having sex. That is rude.
Ron: Talk dirty to me
Me: Dirt mud poop? Why are you so bossy?

Nice. So much for that. We didn’t want to post the dong picture, even though it was censored. Mainly because we’re pretty sure you guys don’t want to see it.

For more, see Deadpin’s ‘Anonymous’ piece.