Celebrity Advice Columnist Abbey Normal on Celebrity Boobs and Gay Husbands

Each week we invite celebrity advice columnist Abbey Normal to answer some pressing questions from our favorite celebrities. Feel free to contact Ms. Normal with your own questions on her Twitter account or “like” her on Facebook.

How Do Blind People Watch Porn?

Something you’ve probably never considered: blind people.  Specifically, blind people and how they watch porn.  Hard to do, for them!  Yet they are not blind in the penis.  (Actually, you know how it’s always said that blind people have heightened other senses?  Maybe sex is even better for them.  Blind people: plz confirm or deny in the comments.)  The market for blind-centric erotica on tape is apparently pretty poor.

But one of the few dedicated erotic offerings for blind people that Mr Romano could find was a website containing an archive of audio recordings of American volunteers describing what they could see while watching hardcore pornography clips.

Does that sound like a fun way to get your jollies off?  Blind people didn’t think so either.  So this Romano fellow decided to make some of the good sh*t for blind people… 

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Which Comedian Delivers His Catchphrase on the Face of Lucky Ladies?

Here’s a blind item I couldn’t not post for you:

Which huge 90s comedy star wasn’t just a star of the TV screen – he also had a special treat for his partner? On special occasions he’d agree to proclaim his famous catch-phrase, as he came on his partner’s face.

I’ve narrowed the choices down to three…  

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A Tale of Two Celeblady Alcoholiques

Today, bits of gossip about two A-list celebrity gals, one on either side of the addiction-recovery cycle.  The first was spotted in a London nightclub by a Daily Mail reporter:

I watched open-mouthed as [she] sat with her straggly hair all over her face looking strangely detached from the world and mumbled: “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” 

And the other loves her liquor such that even the merest sight of it will send her into a tizzy:

A source at the venue says: “Following her problems with alcohol, [she] had requested that everywhere backstage is alcohol free. Her family is monitoring the situation very carefully and we’ve been made to sign contracts promising not to drink or allow any of the VIP guests to have alcohol in any of the backstage areas that [she] could use. It is very important to [her] that she doesn’t see anybody drinking in her presence.”

Oh boy, a guessing game!  Who is each?  Hint: Not Amy Winehouse.  Also not: Heath Ledger.  

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Blatant Blind Items

This dark-haired actress has developed a weird eating style. On the rare occasions that she does eat, she doesn’t like the food to touch her lips. She opens up her mouth really wide and pulls the food off the fork with her teeth. We don’t know if this behavior is related to the ongoing problems she is having with her teeth, which were absolutely destroyed by an eating disorder in her teens.  They became so eroded that she had to have them shaved down and have porcelain veneers applied to every single tooth at $2000 a pop. She can afford it. It’s just too bad that the eating disorder appears to be back. Conveniently for her, so are baggy boyfriend jeans.

Oh man, This is like every other actress in Hollywood.  I say all of them.

For more Blind Items check out the rest of the post after the jump>>>

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Blatant Blind Items

This B list television actress on a very hit network drama is in Cannes. Hey, at least I narrowed it down for you. I mean how many could there be? Well, it seems our actress got VERY lucky. How lucky? Well our actress was apparently spotted receiving a large quantity of white powder from a male acquaintance. The person who spotted this reported it to the police, who decided to raid our actresses’ hotel room. All this for coke? Anyway, after a 30 minute search with a drug sniffing dog, nothing was found. Yeah, well they should have come the night before. Unfortunately our actress is like a Hoover vacuum cleaner and had finished what she had been provided. When she finally gets busted her world is going to come crashing down.

To check out the second clue and see my guess for this weeks blind item click on the jump>>>

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Blatant Blind Items!

I guess, you guess, we all guess cause that’s the quest.  Whoa, that might seriously be the lamest thing I have ever written.  Luckily, I am not ashamed to have the same sort of rhyme meter as an 8-year-old.  Lots of 8-year-olds are pretty savvy these days with the internet and everything.  So there.  Anyways, let’s get to the blind items:

There’s a tape floating around the black market in WeHo. It features a current tween favorite. Those who have seen it say that it’s much more disgusting than the Paris Hilton tape. This one involves more than two people, same-sex activity among both girls and boys, and our star in every position possible. Did I mention our star is believed to have been somewhere between thirteen and seventeen when it was filmed?

Anyone wanna take a wild guess that it’s Zac Efron.  He sounds like the sort of fairy that would attend a free for all orgy between the ages of 13 and 17.

For the rest, check after the jump and leave your guesses in the comments>>>

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"Yams" and "Yogurt"…. WTF?

This blind item I’m about to share about– who is suspected to be Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson– doesn’t even seem real.  Sounds like someone got high and made one of those origami ‘fortune teller’ finger toy you used to play in elementary where you’d write in some silly answers and then giggle when your question was answered.

What semi-closeted celesbians have the nicknames “Yams” and “Yogurt” for each other??? And which is which????

Yams and yogurt? See what I mean!  My exboyfriend’s junk was called “the Beast” and mine has always been named “the Box,” but those kind of make sense. “Yams” sounds like swollen pussy lips, and “Yogurt”… well… that’s gross and clearly Lindsay.

The junk of a person who gets around town long enough isn’t going to stay as fresh and clean as it once was.  The minute you see a yogurt-like matter secreting from your fish lips it’s time you call a doctor.

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BLIND ITEM ROUND-UP: J. Lo Has No Dough, Britney Murphy Sex Tapes to Get "Leaked"

Puerto Rican duo Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony at the Belgium airport with twins Max and Emme in Belgium on Wednesday.

If the following blind item is about this power couple is true then that would explain her lame transition into reality television.  Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Crazy Days and Nights

#1 – Apparently if I wish and wish and wish, then sometimes they do come true. This is an A list couple with an A list lifestyle. If I give you their description it would give it a way. Does A+ name recognition help? Anyway they haven’t been doing much lately. Oh, they make noise and it appears as if they are doing something, but in reality. Nothing. No money is coming in but lots and lots is flooding out. It has got so bad that the couple only have one employee. One. I take that back. They do have a gardener at one of their houses, but not for long. They are trying to sell that property and just about everything else they own. I don’t know if anyone has said it out loud, but the bankruptcy word has been whispered. She wants to call some famous friends for a loan but his pride won’t let her do it. Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony or maybe Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner?

#2 – Speaking of financial messes, this other celebrity couple is in even worse shape. Actually the male half of the couple is a celebrity in the sense that he is married to the female actress who was once at the very top of the world and has slowly, but steadily just about crashed to the bottom. In one more year, people will be “who?” It has got so bad financially with their raging drug habit and his legal problems that they have started making sex tapes which are going to be “stolen.” Outrage will follow and then hopefully enough money from the distributor to last until she can find someone willing to pay her what she used to get for acting. Brittany Murphy

#3 – What mullet haired singer cheated on his current wife and ex-wife with both males and females? Billy Ray Cyrus

I’m praying to the sex gods Brittany Murphy does not release a sex tape.  The idea of her sucking her monkey of a husband’s hairy nut sack while high on meth is enough to make me my vagina pack up her bags and run away for good this time.

Photos of La Lopez and Anthony over Father’s Day weekend in 3…2…1…

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BLIND ITEMS: Anne Hathaway May Or May Not Be a Lesbian, Ray J. Has a New Sex Tape

Full Disclosure: Which starlet with an often-troubled boyfriend actually plays for the other team — and puts up with her boy toy’s habits to maintain hetero appearances?

I always knew Anne Hathaway played for the other team! I can smell the dry vagina juices on her mouth from all the way over here! Girls like Anne always start out tasting snatch while rolling.  Then one day she realized drugs weren’t the real reason she liked eating bearded clams so much.

Crazy Days and Nights: I have been meaning to share this one for the past week and I keep forgetting. You know the female singer dating the “porn star?” Yep, they made a sex tape. The last film the “porn star” made put us all to sleep. This one though should probably make for a really funny comedy. I cannot wait to see if this one comes out. I might actually buy it instead of stealing it from the internet.

This is definitely Ray. J and Whitney Houston.  That’s one amateur porno my eyes really don’t cry through.  Ugh, how does Ray J. manage to keep getting laid?!   The only way you could ever catch me sucking Ray J’s dick is if he had electrical tape over his mouth.  And not just over the mouth, but like wrapped around his head so there was absolutely no effing way that thing could fall off.

Every time I think of him peeing on Kim Kardashian all I can smell is asparagus.

Actress Anne Hathaway at the Warner Bros. world premiere of “Get Smart” held at the Mann Village Theatre in Westwood, California yesterday.

More photos after the jump!

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