Today’s Daily Fug! isn’t as terryfying as Amy Crackhouse’s spontaneously combusting face, nor as horrific as that of Heidi Montag’s.

Here is Jennifer Carpenter at the premiere for horror flick “Quarantine,” held at the Knott’s Scary Farm in Buena Park, California yesterday.

Jennifer is best known for her role as Officer Debra Morgan on HBO’s hit crime drama, Dexter. A devout fan of Dexter, I must say it always irritates me to see Jennifer Carpenter in that show.

You know when someone just happens to irritate you just because? Yeah, well that’s Jennifer to me.  And since I found out she’s dating her talented co-star Michael C. Hall it’s opened up a whole new can of worms.  Michael C. Hall should not be dating a pelican.

If you were concerned about opening your Playboy only to find Brooke Hogan dangling her d!ck and balls in a two-page centerfold spread, then fret not dear friends.

It has been announced that the 20-year-old daughter of Hulk Hogan has passed on the chance to prove she was born with a vagina by appearing nude in Playboy Magazine’s 55th Anniversary issue, an opportunity offered by the men’s publication back in July

“Brooke just didn’t feel that it was the right time,” her rep tells UsMagazine.com exclusively. “It’s not out of the question for the future, but we’ll have to see.”

Of course she’s waiting until the future… she needs to have a doctor cut off her nutsack before she men start gauging their eyes out left and right.  Those sex change operations take a while to heal, so don’t expect to see her nude anytime soon. Although maybe for a transgendered publication.  Isn’t that a scary thought?

More photos after the jump! Continue »

The Daily Mail UK has posted these photos of a Lily Allen completely wrecked the morning after partying up with a gal pal over the weekend.

We’ve already established Lily Allen has a problem limiting her alcohol consumption, and discussing her shitty “the morning after” look with wet hair and no makeup while halfway blinking doesn’t necessarily indicate anything about her as a human so much as it being a mere sh!tty day to be photographed.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left the house with my mascara having fully melted to my lower lashes, completely smelling of f^ck and unwilling to wash the spunk from my hair because all that really matters at that moment is eating hash browns from Waffle House and going back to bed.  That’s not after a night of partying either.  It’s just another Saturday morning. Did I mention I hate showering?

Below are pics of Lily looking spent and others of her at the BMI Awards in London, England yesterday.

Here is a brand spanking new photo of David Duchovny with wife Téa Leoni days after completing his stay in rehab for sex addiction as photographed at the Czech Days festival in New York City over the weekend.

The man looks worse for wear. The last thing a dude’s d!ck wants is to be eating is bread pudding at a damn Czech festival.  His disgruntle face says it all!

David needs to hurry up and leave his wife so him and my Rican ass can make sweet sweet love in every public restroom in the NYC area.  Why a public bathroom? ‘Cause I’m classy like that. People will walk into bars and say, “Yep, David Duchovny and that brunette Rican chick were in here.  I can tell by the stank.” I can almost smell it now.

Here are some sexy pics of David Duchovny on the set of Californication back in July.

Source, Source

More pics of David on the set of Californication under the cut! Continue »

Here is Mariah Carey’s stoned ass at The Bank Nightclub at the Bellagio in Las Vegas over the weekend.

What a mess! Her face is all swollen like Miss Piggy, her boobies are unattractively pouring over the levee walls and her skin’s coloring is more mix and matched then Lindsay Lohan’s.

This above photo doesn’t even seem real!  It looks like the product of a Photosop assignment assigned to a freshman in community college. Someone spliced together a photo of Mariah’s head during her Butterfly days with a photo of Chyna Doll’s body.

Putting your pokie in that night after night is not something to be envious of, no matter how many dollar signs come attached.

Put your arms down, honey.  It’s not doing anything to conceal your coke bloat– We can still see it in your eyes!  It’s too late now!

Where’s a damn broomstick when you need one?! Someone trip that b!tch!

The turds known as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt surfaced from their hiatus to pose for the cameras at the “Reality Check Challenge” for Global Hunger at a Taco Bell in Los Angeles yesterday.

Heidi’s damn lucky I don’t work at that Taco Bell. Otherwise her taco supreme’s sour cream would have tasted a whole lot saltier.  Every male employee at that place would have fallen in love with me and my two hands and it totally would have been worth it.

Coming in at age 36, actress Cameron Diaz hasn’t aged quite the way I’d envisioned.  That’s not to say she’s ugly, or anywhere near that realm, but it really is surprising all the same.

After all, Selma Blair is the same age and could easily pass as a 24-year-old.  Cameron is a big fan of the beach, which explains a lot.  Constant sun use will age a person like a mothereffer.

That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to Audrina Patridge, but noooooooo all she wants is for us to pay attention to her her boobs.  B!tch won’t be laughing in 10 years when her skin looks like a worn leather belt used by Amy Winehouse to get her fix on.

In any case, here’s Cameron’s pretty aging face at the AFI Night at the Movies presented by Target in Hollywood, California yesterday. I’ve also added a pic of 50-year-old actress Annette Bening for comparison’s sake.

LOL. This is the best story I’ve read this morning, if only for personal reasons.  My best friend used to write for an online gossip site that’s actually pretty big. She wound up leaving because her bosses were kinda sketchy.  But more on that later on.

So late last night TMZ posted a crazy story on the woman who called 911 and reported Heather Locklear driving erratically.  The woman, Jill Ishkanian, is a former staffer at Us Weekly Magazine who was under investigation by the FBI for hacking into the magazine’s celebrity contact list following her leaving the magazine.

It turns out the woman had been following Heather around and called 911 when the actress wasn’t even driving, she was inside a market shopping. She also called a paparazzi agency and let them know the cops were on their way so they could get the entire thing on tape.

This is where my friend comes in to play.  The woman who called 911 was my best friend’s former boss and let me tell you, that bitch is c-r-a-z-y!

I won’t go into all the details, but she offered my friend this proposition whereby she would fly her to a fake Hollywood TV set in Miami made to look like Los Angeles.  Then Janice Dickinson, who is close friends with Ishkanian and her paparazzi agency, would confront my friend about a fake article my friend was supposed to have written on the site about the aging model, and then the two were supposed to wrestle around and pull each other’s hair and stuff.

In addition to that they told my friend they wouldn’t pay her, but she’d be famous.  I about died laughing when she told me. I can just picture myself turning on The Soup on a Friday night and all of a sudden see my 100 lb. friend being effing flung around by Janice Dickinson.  I kinda wish she would have done it too, because that sh!t would have been effing sweet.

Red Rum! Red Rum!

Potato Spud Willis was spotted at LAX over the weekend wearing a long red wig and sunglasses while trying to fly incognito. That’s right, a wig.  Because it’s the top of her head that’s the problem.

Rumer, check your mail. I sent you a pretty sweet burly beard Overnight Priority. Use it, live it, love it.

Leave it up to Paris Hilton to be one step ahead of everyone and slip into her Halloween costume a month before the festivities begin.

Taking a cue from Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus in “The Matrix,” Paris wedged her vagina into skin-tight leather pants for a night out on the town with boyfriend Blues Brother Madden in West Hollywood over the weekend.

If you thought Paris’ germ-infested taco smelled already, you can just imagine the levels of fumes her cottage cheese emitted when she took those things off.

The government seriously needs to wake up and smell the cottage cheese fumes.  Contain that shit in a shell and drop it on Al-Qaeda camps worldwide. Biochemical warfare at its best.

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