As you look at these photos of Jessica Simpson out and about in L.A. on Sunday you might be thinking two things. One, Jessica’s nipples don’t look nearly as hard as they did in this same exact dress the other night. And two, why her lips pursed so tightly?

While I cannot answer the hard nipple question (I agree, they did look especially hard the other night!), I just might have an answer for why she looks so pissed.

It seems Jess has been dumped yet again, and this time by Dallas QB Tony Romo. All this media hype over John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston can’t be making matters any better.

It’s times like this were Jess should really look into a heavy-duty vibrator. Who needs a man when you can get yourself off in 5 seconds flat?!

To read more about the break-up, click here.

After drinking at a Mexican restaurant with girlfriends last night, an intoxicated Jessica Simpson skipped getting behind the wheel and phoned her mother to pick her up.

A witness said of the B-list pop star, “Jessica was very drunk when she left and her mother had to come and pick her up.”

I got arrested for a DUI once. The chick in the holding cell with me was in her 50s, wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt that read ‘It’s Only Stealing if You Get Caught.’

I wanted to ask her if she got caught with a penis in her snatch, but hookers are exactly the nicest of people.  The last thing I needed was for her to cough up some hour-old cum on me.

In conclusion: Jessica is smarter than me.

Dallas Cowboys’ star Tony Romo celebrated his 28th birthday by hiring some Smurfs to bukake all over girlfriend Jessica Simpson’s face in front of a screaming crowd at Suite nightclub in Dallas over the weekend.

Alright, it wasn’t really Smurf splooge, so much as it was blue icing from Romo’s birthday cake. People reports the couple had a gay-ass time eating cake and being happy. “She licked cake from his face as everyone cheered them on. It was quite a spectacle,” said one insider. “But they looked really happy together. Jessica had blue icing all over her hands and mouth and Tony was laughing.”

Have you ever seen Smurf porn? As in, people painted in blue having sex? That shit is weird, wild stuff. Especially if you watch it while trippin’ on acid. My friends are assholes. Curious? See what I’m talking about here (site totally NSFW).

D Magazine

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Star Magazine alleges there was more than just “an infection” that lead Jessica Simpson to be hospitalized a few weeks ago.

According to the publication, Tony Romo’s party lifestyle has started to affect the blonde icon negatively, leading to excess drinking and even a pregnancy scare.

Reps for the singer said she was being treated for a “kidney infection,” but an insider tells Star it was more than that. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol,” says the source. “She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, anxious Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test! “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant. She was feeling really weak and really scared. She was unraveling.”

Since [...] hooking up with Dallas Cowboys hunk Tony in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control.

“She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she’s very conscientious about the calories,” says a source. “But Tony and his buddies really party hard, and I think they expect Jessica to keep up with them. But she is like a third of their weight and just can’t hold as much as they can.”

I’d like to discuss these photos of her signing autographs for the troops during “Operation MySpace” a month ago in March.

Sure, I’m not in the military, but I assure you the last thing I would want overseas is some scribble over a photograph.

I can understand how meeting or seeing her could make your penis happy, but a signed autograph is the equivalent of her saying, ‘Here you throw this away.’

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Jessica Simpson’s life hasn’t turned out quite the way she’d expected, it seems.

Not only has her music career fizzled out, but she’s already been divorced once and has seemingly jumped from relationship to relationship since her split from Nick Lachey back in 2005.

To make matters worse, now lil’ sis Ashlee Simpson is engaged and reportedly knocked-up.

“Jessica never imagined that her tom-boy younger sister would have a baby first,” the insider explains. “It would be very hard for her not to be jealous.”

Friends say Jess has longed for a baby for years and has said on numerous occasions that she can’t wait to be a mom. But following her very public divorce from ex Nick Lachey that dream was put on hold.

“Jessica couldn’t be happier for her sister but still can’t help feeling jealous,” the source tells OK!. “She’d love to be planning a wedding with a baby on the way.”

I love the fact that this bimbo totally broke Nick Lachey’s heart and somehow we’re supposed to be sorry for her.

Plus, Ashlee is knocked-up with Pete Wentz’s sperm. The f—- flatirons his hair. What the hell is there to be jealous about?

Source, SplashNews

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The full spread featuring America’s No. 1 bimbo, Jessica Simpson, for Esquire Magazine’s 75th Anniversary issue has finally been unveiled and I must say I’m unimpressed with the photos.

Sure, she’s all wet and her nipples are hard, but that’s because they paid a nipple fluffer to perk those things up.

Don’t get me wrong, Jessica Simpson is sexy, but I want a woman who relies on her own instinct to be sexy. Not someone that has to be told how to perform.

That is why I don’t believe this new rumor that Jessica does a striptease for Tony Romo via webcam when the two are separated.

“Jess has no problem showing Tony her favorite Pussycat Dolls routine. … She will dance in front of her camera until she makes her man happy. … She thinks it keeps the romance alive while they are far away from each other.”

As if. This girl can’t work a webcam! And if she can’t work a webcam, something tells me she can’t perform a proper blowjob or handjob either. Anyone can just stick their mouth around a c()ck, but an expert knows how to work it.

It was bad enough they put Jessica Simpson on the cover of Esquire Magazine’s 75th Anniversary issue, but now they’ve gone and given the busty bimbo yet another gig.

Here’s the 27-year-old actress posing for some hair extensions propaganda in Los Angeles earlier today. I really wish she’d just give in to America’s dream of her becoming a porn star.

That shit would be more comedy than arousal. No one can convince me that this chick is into sex or anything related to sex. She’s more the type to be concerned with cum getting in her hair than down her throat.

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In honor of Esquire’s 75th anniversary, the magazine chose Jessica Simpson to re-create Virna Lisi’s iconic March 1965 cover.  Failed reality TV star and singer of all people. Ugh.

In the May ‘08 issue, the cover boldly reads, “We shot this image to catch your eye so you will pick up the issue and immerse yourself in the most gripping story you will read this year.”

I ask you, is this cover supposed to be sexy because my vagina just put up a “Closed for Business” sign. Perhaps it’s the angle at which the cover was shot, but that photo is not becoming of Jessica. The girl can’t catch a break. It’s just so easy to hate on her.

And as for this “gripping story,” unless it’s about how George Clooney likes midgets to give him handjobs because it makes his penis look three times as large, count me out.

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While baby sister Ashlee is busy promoting her new album engagement, older sister Jessica Simpson is on her way to entertain the troops in Kuwait.

Via her website, SweetKisses:

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can’t wait to share it will all of you. I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess”

Jessica better showcase those big beautiful breasts of hers while overseas, because if she thinks the troops actually care about her music, girl is seriously mistaken!

A source close to Jessica Simpson says the reason the pop singer is attempting to ban the release of a workout tape produced by fitness video company Speedfit isn’t because she hates fat people, but because it’s a really shitty video and she’s embarrassed.

“Jessica was a mess during that shoot. She had no focus, she put out something that was entirely unusable,” said a source close to Simpson. “They asked her to come back and reshoot, but she refused, and that’s why she’s facing a lawsuit now.”

“The worst thing in the world would be for that tape to get out,” said the source close to Simpson. “Ironically, it would sell better than her videos, but the last thing she needs for her career is to have the makings of a ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit out there for public consumption.”

I would totally pitch into buying that piece of garbage with my girlfriends for an evening of martini’s, binge eating and laughter.

Would you?

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