Heidi Montag’s self-esteem is so low that she’s going to pretend her vagina swallowed Spencer’s sperm just to get some more attention.

Via ONTD:

“This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around her waist to make it appear as if she’s about three months along.”

“The plan is to get the baby rumor mill going so she can get photographed more. She and Spencer won’t confirm or deny the pregnancy so they can keep everyone guessing.”

According to Star Magazine scoop, from rising suspicion to refuting the rumors the first order of action, Heidi, twenty-one, and her twenty-four year old on-again/off-again fiance Spencer have plotted each step of their plan carefully.

First the aspiring singer will stop drinking. Then she’ll visit chic children’s boutiques like NoMi to pick out baby stuff. By the end of the summer, Heidi will be photographed bumpless and sporting a skimpy bikin while strolling along the beach.

Does anyone know where I can get anthrax?

Yet another reason I believe in vasectomies. Go to 3:55 of the video.

Tyra: What would you name your children — like, Speidi or Hencer?

Heidi: He wants to name one Dunk.

Tyra: Dunk?

Spencer: Well, cuz this was when I was saying I want to go to Africa, and when I adopt an African, he’s going to be very tall, and he’s gonna be the best dunker.

Honestly, I find that comment way more offensive and racist than anything Michael Richards ever said.

What I wouldn’t give to see some chick squirt her cum all over his face. He’s such a damn tool.

I’ll give you guys $5 per teabag and $10 for marking her with your DNA. Now is your chance! Quick — this offer won’t be around forever!

Here’s Heidi Montag at the “Late Show With David Letterman” in New York City earlier this week.

Here are some behind the scene outtakes from The Hills Rolling Sone cover shoot, including this above shot of Heidi Montag trying to be sexy, but looking like she just underwent a seizure instead.

Oh Rolling Stone, how you have failed me. Gone are the days when rock gods graced your once credible cover.

More photos after the jump! Continue »

Check out some of the guests invited by various news organizations for the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner Saturday night: Lauren Conrad, Perez Hilton, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Pam Anderson and Ashlee Simpson.

I’m surprised nobody bombed the place, considering how many morons were sequestered in one convenient location.

I take that back. Chelsea Handler, Tracey Ullman, Padma Lakshmi, B.J. Novak and Joel McHale were also in attendance. Uh, if I could have an orgy with these folks, I totally would. Just thinking of them makes me cream my panties.

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“If you haven’t eaten pasta in ten years and have ginormous implants” then Heidi Montag’s clothing line, Heidiwood, is right for you.

Via New York Magazine:

It was bad. So bad. To Montag’s credit, she trumpets Heidiwood’s prices of $10 to $60 for any given item — compared to the triple-digit tags on L.C.’s line, that’s a sure sign that she at least she understands her demographic.

Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks? Sure, that’s a steal compared to Marc Jacobs, but not far enough removed from what you’d pay at the Gap for something that’s at least 100 percent cotton and unlikely to give you a rash.

There’s a reason, by the way, that we only photographed Montag’s designs looking unattractive on the hanger and not on ourselves: No self-respecting grown woman should allow herself to be seen in these garments.

At one point, we faced each other: One of us wore black short-shorts with a one-inch inseam (half a thumb, for real) and a zebra-striped tank with a faux-chiffon back bow — perfect if you haven’t eaten pasta in ten years and have ginormous implants (sound familiar?).

The stuff was the complete opposite of flattering. We looked like rejects from Rock of Love II with Bret Michaels; stick us on the hood of a car and Whitesnake would’ve appeared, guitars in hand.

They forgot to mention the free herpes and gonorrhea with every purchase.

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“Designer” and resident MTV tool Heidi Montag paid MTV’s TRL a visit yesterday.

And while Heidi failed to wear a bra to better accentuate her fake boobs, she did give out some helpful tips on how to please your man.

First, she explained, be sure to use both your hands when giving blowjobs and handjobs. Second, be sure to open your mouth and breathe through your nose. Otherwise you run the risk of choking to death on your man’s salty goodness.

Feminism 101 courtesy of Heidi Montag and her fake breasts.

Wireimage 

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A new Blind Item via NY Daily News:

Which TV starlet could be the next to have embarrassing naked pix revealed? The racy snaps are a souvenir from her on-again, off-again hookups with a co-star.

I’m crossing my fingers it’s Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Moreover, I’m crossing my fingers that there’s an extra chunky money shot involved. Take that, feminism!

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Heidi Montag tried to get the city of Los Angeles to change the famous sign from saying “Hollywood” to “Heidiwood”. SMH. Read more about it here.

It’s times like these that makes me wish I was a squirter, if you catch my drift. Because I swear to God I would hunt Heidi down and spray myself all over her obnoxious face.

Oh, and please look at these photos of Heidi and Spencer hosting some party at LAX earlier this month.

Heidi trying to be sexy is as inviting as the idea of cramming poisonous snakes in my cavity. They’re pretty funny photos. Especially the one’s where Spencer is laught at her. I mean, with you, Heidi. With you.

Despite all the shitty reviews she got for her first single, Heidi Montag has gone ahead and released a new one.

The single, titled “No More”, is about a relationship that falls apart. It’s available for digital purchase today.

It’s God awful, but if you’re feeling self-destructive this morning you can listen to it by clicking here or go after the jump.

To hear her duet with Britney Spears (yes, this REALLY happened) click here.

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