Blue veins aside, I would totally drizzle some sticky maple syrup all over those tits and just shove them in my mouth and suck on them for hours and hours on end.

With one breast in each hand, my mouth slowly swirling from left nipple to right nipple and back and forth and back and forth and in and out and in and… um, sorry. I’ll take my fingers out from inside me now.

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Here is Sophia Vergara at People en Español’s party to celebrate their “50 Most Beautiful Issue.”

Growing up, Sofia is pretty much what I thought I’d evolve into when I got older. Then I look the mirror and realize it’s just not gonna happen.

Beautiful, beautiful, beatiful!

When asked during a recent interview with Extra if Lindsay Lohan really liked eating out Samantha’s snatch Dina Lohan eagerly chimed in, “Lindsay can never eat enough carpet. Where do you think she gets it from?!”

She really didn’t say that, although it wouldn’t be surprised if she were to come out of the closet like Mandy Moore’s mom did.

Younger sister Ali Lohan said of the so-called rumors, “They’re best friends. They’re just friends. It’s pathetic what people say.” That’s right, ’cause Jesus put this on Sam’s neck just to make her a martyr.

Video here. Sadly, not of Lindsay and Sam going at it 69. Sam has actually grown on me. She actually kinda gives me a tingle in my panties now. But I think that’s ’cause I’m really daydreaming of brother Mark Ronson. So hot.

Here is Lindsay Lohan dressed like a cheap skank while shopping in Beverly Hills.

Heidi Montag’s self-esteem is so low that she’s going to pretend her vagina swallowed Spencer’s sperm just to get some more attention.

Via ONTD:

“This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around her waist to make it appear as if she’s about three months along.”

“The plan is to get the baby rumor mill going so she can get photographed more. She and Spencer won’t confirm or deny the pregnancy so they can keep everyone guessing.”

According to Star Magazine scoop, from rising suspicion to refuting the rumors the first order of action, Heidi, twenty-one, and her twenty-four year old on-again/off-again fiance Spencer have plotted each step of their plan carefully.

First the aspiring singer will stop drinking. Then she’ll visit chic children’s boutiques like NoMi to pick out baby stuff. By the end of the summer, Heidi will be photographed bumpless and sporting a skimpy bikin while strolling along the beach.

Does anyone know where I can get anthrax?

Check out the new N.E.R.D. music video for “Everyone Nose.”

And FYI: Our favorite 35-year-old Long Island lesbian cokehead is in the video.

Enjoy.

More details on the tape Adnan Ghalib is shopping around of him and Britney Spears having sex.

“Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing,” said the insider. “She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there in Rosarito. The sex wasn’t particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, ‘Take what off? There’s nothing left to take off.’”

Awesome, a bipolar and emotionally crippled chick in bed. SMH. I want to tie Adnan down and force-feed him my strap-on.

A friend of mine in college found out his high school sweetheart that broke his heart was an escort where we all went to school. He called her one day and said if she didn’t fork over money she’d be sorry.

At her refusal to pay, he paid her parents a visit the next day. With him were a dozen or so photos of her screwing both guys and chicks are parties.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

PS- These photos are old.

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Are any of you as sick of seeing Mariah Carey’s obnoxious ‘I’m the happiwest wittle girl eva’ smile?

Nick Cannon needs to show who has the balls in this relationship and knock her confidence down a notch.  Confidant Mariah is boring. I like it’s better when Mariah’s skull was filled with nothing but glitter.

He probably already got started.  She’s not sun-kissed… she’s cum-kissed! Two facial treatments in one! He smears it all over her face and said it serves as a face toner in France.   Good one.

Here’s Nick’s 6-year-old wife at the 5th Annual Operation Smile Gala in NYC yesterday.

You may remember Laura Vandervoort as Karen Kent (aka Supergirl) from that CW show Smallville. The show eventually got canned after it left “Superman” actor Christopher Reeves in crippling horror for sucking so bad.

Actually I can’t even vouch that the show sucks. I just knew it was gonna suck, same way I know a ruler doesn’t fit up my pussy. Believe me, some people think that it’s perfectly normal to shove a ruler up there.

Anyhoo, here’s the chick from that show filming “The Reef” in a bikini yesterday.

Bad hair? Check. Bad skin? Check. Cold heart? Check.

Victoria Beckham needs to bring it down a notch. It’s so obvious who she’s trying to emulate!

Here’s David Beckham’s blow-up doll acting like her pig nose doesn’t stick at a photocall to celebrate her dVb range at Harrods earlier this week.

Honest to God, if I had to choose whether I’d want to stick my tongue in Blake Lively or Maria Menounos I don’t think I could pick either one?

Right now I’m too busy hating on them and their tight athletic bodies. Actually, Maria Menounos to be specific.

That’s my dream summer body right there. What a bitch.

Which one, Blake or Maria?

Choose wisely!

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