From the Files of Detective Music: Who Killed the Lady GaGa/Kanye West “Fame Kills” Tour?

You guys ruined it.  The Fame Kills Tour featuring Kanye West and Lady GaGa has been called off, and it’s all your fault.  And by “you,” of course, I refer to “the ticket-buying (or more like not-buying) public.”  Or “creative differences.”  Or “Taylor Swift.”  Or “alcoholism.”  Definitely probably one of those things caused the tour to be called off, but which one?  Detective Music sleuths out the real culprit among the rumors for why a cruel God would sunder the beautiful union, after the jump.  

1) Ticket sales were poor. TMZ reports that GaGa’s people and Kanye’s people did played a few rounds of the blame game in trying to figure out why no one wanted to buy tickets to the Greatest Show on Earth featuring the Greatest Man and Woman Artists in American Musicdom If Not All of History Minus Mozart.

Well, this seems suspect.  Because while that was obviously a sarcasm just then, these two people are genuinely the best show(wo)men in showbiz right now.  GaGa is a one-woman musical theater and Kanye is no slouch himself when it comes to making waves.  So I think that reason is WRONG.  This would have been a great show.

2) The Taylor Swift fiasco turned America/Lady GaGa against Kanye. I hope this one isn’t true.  Because, granted, Kanye is, or at least can be, an ass, but so is every other famous person in the world (it’s true, check Wikipedia).  He’s just the worst at hiding it.  And unlike most of the rest of them, Kanye is making consistently accomplished and sometimes even innovative music that still appeals to Top 40 sensibilities.  Who else can can you name that has done that in the last 5 years?  Beyonce and her team of producers, maybe?  Jack White, on a smaller scale, maybe?  If Taylor Swift ruined this tour by winning that VMA and forcing Kanye to jump onstage and protest, I’M NEVER GOING TO BUY ANOTHER TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM AGAIN.  You know, to go with all the Taylor Swift albums I already own.

3) Kanye West is an alcoholic and is going to rehab.  These rumors went around after the VMA thing, during which Kanye West was seen visibly celebrating with alcohol at a joke awards show.  Fame Kills, guys!  No, this isn’t the reason.

4) “Creative differences.” Some GaGa lackey tweeted that this caused the end of the affair.  Since “creative differences” could mean anything, we can rest assured that this is the REAL reason the tour was canceled.  What happened was that both singers visited the cryogenically preserved head of George Washington in the secret underground Freemason Temple (they give you a key as soon as you become famous) and he advised they put it off.  George Washington spoke first to GaGa: “You and I both know that work on your latest album, The Fame Monster is way behind schedule.  Listeners were willing to accept that your freshman effort suffered weak songwriting and uneven production because of the creative energy you brought to promoting yourself and your brand.  They will demand more from the new album, though.  Believe George Washington when he says that.  Spend more time in the studio and less on the road.”

The disembodied head then turned to Kanye.  ”Kanye, you need to ride the DL for awhile and let the bad vibes fall away.  America respects grace, poise, and class in its celebrities.  Take it from me, George F*cking Washington.”