Maybe It's Time for Pennsylvania To Outlaw Bestiality…

I can’t think of a better lead-in to this story than the Philadelphia Daily News‘s: “If animals could talk, a few cows in Burlington County might ask state legislators to hurry up and outlaw bestiality.”  Uh oh!  Why is that, you ask.  Better read on.

A Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn’t infer whether the cows had been “tormented” or “puzzled” by the situation or even irritated that they’d been duped out of a meal.

What was that fourth-grade bestiality joke?  ”It’s not rape if the cow doesn’t say ‘no’?”  That’s obviously the legal principle – first day of class in Bestiality Law 101, first-year law school.  Every lawyer knows this.  This shouldn’t be news to you.  This is Hammurabi’s Code, guys.  Ninth Commandment, remember?  Long, long tradition of precedent in the Western legal canon for cow rape.  The story goes on:

Sex with cows is the least of Melia’s problems, though.

This is the judge’s actual rationale from the sentencing:

“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,’ ” Judge James J. Morley asked.

Probably the first thing it would say is, “Get this penis out of my mouth,” but I’m no cow psychologist here.

Children, Morley said, seemed “comforted” when given pacifiers, but there’s no way to know what bovine minds thought of Robert Melia Jr. substituting his member for a cow’s teat.

“They [children] enjoy the act of suckling,” the judge said. “Cows may be of a different disposition.”

For real, judge?  Your argument is that this might be defensible because human children probably would enjoy fellatio?  Why even put that on the table?  I don’t think Robert Melia’s primary objective here was to soothe and pacify the cows.  And also, he has a bunch of child molestation charges against him as well.  Guy doesn’t need any encouraging in these pursuits.

The owner of the cows was said to be “very upset” by the verdict.  :-(

Source: Philadelphia Daily News via Fark.