Joose High-Alcohol Energy Drink: The Reckoning

Hello, and welcome to today.  As I type this, I glance down and see an empty can of Joose Flavored Malt Beverage at my feet.  There it is.  I wrote about Joose yesterday, and how I was going to drink Joose last night.  Spoiler alert: I did.  I kept a Joose Journal as I was drinking it so that you can know whether I recommend it or not.  Spoiler alert: I do.

7:45 PM: I return to the local store to purchase more Joose for the weekend.  A friend has requested that it appear at a party, after reading my last post.  I’m at the checkout line with seven 24 oz. cans of Joose Dragon Flavor and nothing else in my basket.  The woman behind me is about my Mom’s age, maybe a little older.  She asks what Joose is, and I tell her it’s like “a beer energy drink” (only later will I learn it is not at all like beer).  She thinks the label looks like it was designed by “a high schooler doodling in the margins of his notebook.”  I assure her that many high schoolers enjoy drinking Joose.  The price is $23.14 with tax.

8:02: The Joose is begun…  

Nose: heavy on grape, with notes of the grape fluoride your dentist made you use when you were little and also maybe a hint of what it would smell like if a grape took a sh*t up your nose.  There is that.  Taste: it tastes like grape soda, almost exactly at first.  Nothing like beer, way better than Sparks (I love me some grape soda).  But after a few sips, it’s more like grape soda with a few packets of Sweet ‘n Low poured in, extra cancer plz.

8:11: I have finished the first glass of Joose.  Buzz is on.

8:25: Why isn’t the TV turning on?  I’m hitting the “ON” button, what the f*ck.

8:28: The TV is on.  The steak is ready, for dinner.

8:38: Third glass of Joose.  This empties the first can.  Watching Intervention.  The woman is not doing a real good job of being a Mom because she is fired up on pills all the time.  It is a downer on the Joose scene.  However, it drinks pretty easy now.  The sugary pinch at the end has smoothed out.  Roommate thinks the taste of Sparks is better (note: wrong).

8:57: The first Joose is finished.

9:14: The time to urinate is now.  Right now.  A minute later could be too late.

9:18: They are doing the intervention.  The 11-year-old son is just crushing.  ”They asked me to think of five good memories I had with you, but it was hard.  I can’t even think of one.  I had an asthma attack and you couldn’t help me because you were passed out from drugs.”  Wow.  I am pouring the second Joose.

9:22: She got sober.  Count it.

9:41: There is something on BBC America about strippers?  Or something?  Or kids going to hookers.  It’s all British like and I don’t know what they’re saying.

9:58: Question: The second Joose is finished.  It’s time to go somewhere and take it out on someone.

10:08: The girl on BBC World News?  She looks like Jenna Haze.  But she is way knowledgeable about Libya.  In the world scene.  People were forgetting about Libya, but not the BBC.  Lockerbie and sh*t.  Something to be said for that.  [After this, there is a bar that is doing an open bar on Colt 45.  This is where the Joose portion of the night ends, but other portions begin.]

8:37 AM:  Awake.  Very close to being in my apartment!  Staircase doesn’t count though: zero points.