Five Things Dane Cook Should Have Said to Vanessa Hudgens at the Teen Choice Awards

Where all my Dane Cook fans at??  Well, Dane Cook was tasked with the challenge of entertaining teenagers while presenting the Hottest Jailbait Award or something at the Teen Choice Awards last night.  As he took the stage, a nation waited with baited breath, wondering, “Will Dane Cook go there?”

He went there.  Dane Cook psyched himself up backstage.  Comedy has grown limp, thought Dane Cook, defanged by… the entertainment companies and by… political correctness.  I have to save it.  It falls to Dane Cook to make comedy real again, so I’m going to go out there and tell the uncomfortable truths and if I die out there – if the people tear me down because they are not ready to have the ugly mirror of their depravities thrust on them – I will have died for my art.

Then Dane Cook bounced onto the stage, did some jumping jacks, singled out Vanessa Hudgens, and told her, “Girl you gots to keep your clothes on!” in his “hoochie mama” voice.  Video, plus five funnier things that Dane Cook could have said, after the jump.  

Here’s how it goes down: Dane Cook, brave taker of bullets, announces that he will acknowledge “what everybody in this room is thinking, but nobody has said.”  Then he finds Vanessa Hudgens in the crowd, tells her to keep her clothes on, and finishes with “Phones are for phone calls, girl!”  (Haha, right?  Like in 2004 when Dane Cook was all the rage?)  Finally, he presents the award, and Vanessa Hudgens doesn’t even win it.

Explaining afterwards:

“Mostly I just wanted it to be funny. That’s the best part about being a comic, when you go, ‘Maybe I can say the thing that everybody is kind of feeling and nobody is saying.’

“The elephant-in-the-room moment. So, I’ll take it, I’ll take the hit. It’s okay.”

It’s true!  Nobody has said anything about the Vanessa Hudgens topless pics!  Does this man even use the internet?  Cook’s joke and Vanessa’s reaction:

What Dane Cook should have said:

• “Can I just say what everybody in this room is thinking, but nobody has said?  Where’s Vanessa Hudgens?  Girl, you should not have trusted that Zac Ephron with those naked pictures.  He did not deserve them.  In all likelihood, he is cheating on you.  That is just a reality of celebrity life.”
• “Can I just say what everybody in this room is thinking, but nobody has said?  Where’s Vanessa Hudgens?  Girl, I wish I were a girl so I could have ‘hacked’ nude pictures of me all over the internet.”  (Dane Cook literally wishes this.)
• “Can I just say what everybody in this room is thinking, but nobody has said?  Where’s Vanessa Hudgens?  Thank you.”
• “Can I just say what everybody in this room is thinking, but nobody has said?  Where’s Vanessa Hudgens?  Girl, I did not care for High School Musical.  I had always considered myself a young person, but I really did not ‘get’ High School Musical and it was kind of the first time I went, wow I’ve really lost touch with the easy bliss of youth.  I thought a lot about my own mortality after watching it, girl.”
• “Can I just say what everybody in this room is thinking, but nobody has said?  Where’s Vanessa Hudgens?  Girl, I masturbated to those naked pictures of you.  [silence] A lot.”  (This one is more “should have said” in the sense that Dane Cook would never be invited to “do a gig” again, anywhere.  Probably in the actual sense though, no one should say this.)
• [Nothing.]

Source: The Sun.