Snipers Dispatched to Protect Penguin Colony, Shoot-To-Kill Order Given

In a small, peaceful Australian community, a serial killer is on the loose.  Already, nine bodies have shown up, mutilated and dumped in a park.  The locals lock their doors.  They do not come out at night.  They cannot run.  They cannot hide.  They cannot fly.  They are penguins.

But now, there’s hope.  A crack team of snipers has been deployed to their habitat in the national park and the orders are specific: protect the penguins at all costs.  With extreme prejudice.

The homicides are being considered as possibly hate-motivated:

The mutilated bodies of the animals, known as fairy penguins, were found in a national park near Sydney harbour.

The main suspects are dogs and foxes. At 40cm tall, the world’s smallest penguin species is clearly no match for such aggressive enemies.

As an aside, it had always been thought that the unicorn was gay man’s best friend.  It had always been thought that in, maybe, like, 1997.  Gross. Unicorns are out, penguins are so in.

Anyway.  The gay penguin community is slowing returning to its daily routine.  The experimental theater has reopened its doors.  The jazzercise clubs are leading sessions again.  They need not live in terror any longer.

Source: BBC.