Review Roundup: The Pope Digs the New "Harry Potter and the Neverending Franchise"

Wow, so today marks the wide release of Harry Potter and the Who the F*ck Even Cares Anymore, a movie about wizards and demons and vampires and Austrians.  In the plot, Harry Potter, who is a wizard, fights Lord Voltron, who is a Decepticon (i.e. pro-abortion) and then afterwards he gets it on with Scarlett Johansson, a gossip elf he met at a private school party.  I won’t give away the ending but there is a very touching moment when the houses of Gryffindor and Sotomayor put aside their difference to host the most poignant David Carradine tribute concert of all.

Here is what the reviewers are saying, including… the Pope??

New York Press:  Astoundingly unimaginative, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ruins the idea of popular entertainment… one bad movie in a series is unfortunate, six amounts to a catastrophe [Daaaaamn.]

New York Observer:  The sixth and worst installment yet, is two and a half hours of paralyzing tedium, featuring another colossal waste of British talent and a plot a real witch couldn’t find with a crystal ball. The kids at Hogwarts no longer have any relevance. They have never heard of iPods, cell phones or the Internet [Fun fact: The first Harry Potter book came out the same year as Chumbaf*ckingwamba - 1997.]

Slate: In a rather drab cliffhanger of an ending, Harry and his buddies gather on a parapet to swear a solemn oath that, as God is their witness, there will be two sequels. But in spite of the plodding tone of this ante-antepenultimate chapter, there’s something touching about the Harry Potter series’ loyal love for its source material.

AMCtv.com: That Half-Blood Prince stays true to Rowling’s downbeat, morose vision is a testament to the integrity of this franchise and the fortitude of its fans. The movie is quiet, graceful and restrained.

Mixed reviews!

But perhaps the most powerful film critic in the world, Pope Benedict XVI, has spoken as well:

The Vatican’s own newspaper L’Osservatore Romano lauded Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, insisting it is the best adaptation of J.K. Rowling’s hugely successful books so far. And it even insisted the teenage love scenes – with the main characters all kissing in the film – achieved the “correct balance” in creating a credible story for the audience.

The Vatican added that the movie was positive as it showed that to overcome evil, it “sometimes requires costs and sacrifice.”

Oh, the Vatican, always endearingly behind the times.  Finally embracing Harry Potter now that the rest of the world thinks the series is played-out crap.