MMA Star Forrest Griffin Will Teach You to Be a Fightin’ Man

They let anyone write books nowadays, so long as the author has incurred some kind of self-inflicted brain damage.  Alcoholics?  Love writing books.  Ozzy Osbourne?  He has dabbled.  And now there’s a slew of books by or about mixed martial arts in the ring.  One, Got Fight? by fighter Forrest Griffin, came out this week, and rather than being some kind of boring life story about the boring life of a person who attempts to kill others with his hands, it is, instead, a handy guide for the lay reader on how he too can kill others with his hands.  For instance, how to appear tough:

1) Get some letters shaved into your hair, all the way down to the scalp, and then have your stylist, Roy, finish off your do with a fabulous multicolor dye job!

5) Make sure you write the word fighter as your occupation on ALL legal documents. This includes lease agreements, health plans, or the application for your brand- new job at Jiffy Lube.

Hey, it looks better on the resume than “inmate.”  Or “CEO of an American carmaker” (topical!!).  Some more wisdom, after the jump.

In order to look tough, you also need:

2) Acquire a number of those really cool tattoos that everyone has: barbed- wire armbands (you know, the ones that chicks got in 1995?), a really scary skull, or simply have your name (or the nickname that your gang gave you when you jumped in on the super mean streets of Malibu) inked on with that really hard-looking calligraphy- type stencil stuff. The grenade on the side of the neck is always good, but putting one on your biceps is just as good as long as you wear a Tap Out tank top.

6) This book, Got Fight?, must be in your hands at all times, and when in public, you want to open it up and pretend to read. This will cause hot, really dumb chicks to come up to you and ask if you fight, because these fine specimens are overly dumb and will sleep with you. If you can indeed throw down, you should clap my book shut, throw it aside, and say, “That guy don’t have nothing to offer about fighting I don’t already know. Wanna see my grenade tattoo?”

8 ) Even if you say you’re going to list six things, like I did above, always list more. The fact that you’ve lost your ability to count is verification enough that you are a fighter. And if your list mixes numbers and letters in the way it’s organized—as in item 1, item b— most people will think you once held a championship belt of some sort.

I’m not sure what the rest of the book is about, exactly, but the other excerpt given to the press is just Forrest Griffin listing things he thinks make someone a douchbag – knowing car models and prices, using a specific hair product, driving a Hummer – so I think he was basically just given a contract and instructed to write whatever he thought of that seemed funny.  

But once you’ve beat the asses of a certain number of men, you earn the right to a book contract – it’s kind of an unwritten rule in publishing.  How do you think Tolsoy got War and Peace out there?

Source: Fightlinker via Idan, who only fights children, but does it damn well.