What Happened on the American Idol Finale, for Guys Who Don't Watch American Idol

Maybe you watch American Idol, maybe you do not.  If you watch it, then you already know every single thing I’m about to write.  If you don’t watch it, you’re going to be hearing every other godd*mn person in America talking about last night’s American Idol finale all day (100 million votes cast!  Democracy works!), so you should probably have a grasp of the basics.

The most important thing you need to know is that Kris Allen won, and experts are calling that craaaazy!  Allen is a spiffy little family man who is decent at singing and looks like America, while the other guy left in the contest was big gay Adam Lambert who is really tops at singing but looks like France. 

As MTV throws down:

Wait. The over-the-top, drag-wearing, man-kissing drama geek lost to the all-American married Christian guy? What is this country coming to?!

Oh snap!  That is sarcastic!  But the thing is that all season everyone thought Lambert would win (because he was the best singer). The other people on the show were a blind guy, a guy whose wife died, and a tattooed woman who sang in a strange squawk language.  It was like a reality TV show!

Here are some other things that happened:

In a two-hour finale that featured this year’s finalists performing with the Black Eyed Peas, Steve Martin, Cyndi Lauper, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah and Jason Mraz, a guitar-wielding Allen did a duet with Keith Urban on the country superstar’s new single, “Kiss a Girl,” while Lambert thrilled fans by donning a pair of platform boots and joining ’70s rock band KISS in an over-the-top medley, complete with a pyro show.

When asked if Lambert should join the KISS tour, Gene Simmons said, “No.  He’d be better off joining Queen.”  But Lambert kind of had the last laugh because he enthused that he had “enjoyed playing dress-up with KISS.”  Which means, “Sure I’m gay, but I’m no KISS.”

Also there was David Hasselhoff!

“It doesn’t matter who won,” he told CNN. “I was just happy to be part of a really wonderful, wonderful night.”

The untranslated version was, “Doesna mattr who wonn.  I’s jest happy to be par a rlly wonnnnderfulwnderful night.”

Anyway, it seems like a Reuben Stoddard/Clay Aiken thing, in which one of them wins but then the other one gets the singing career.  And then a year later neither has a singing career.

Source: CNN, MTV.