Esquire's List of Manliest Men, Reviewed and Amended

Esquire recently printed a “How to Be a Man” issue, somewhat going against the common-sense axiom that if you need a magazine to tell you how to be a man, you’re probably doing it wrong.  Now I’d be more willing to consider the advice of Esquire in these matters than, say, GQ, but the real men out there are reading Scientific American and maybe a little bit of Hustler on the side.  Nonetheless, Esquire put together a “list of men” – 66 celebrities to emulate for their manliness.  Some were obvious (Bob Dylan, Arnold Schwarzenegger) and some were unexpected but made a lot of sense.  Here’s my critique of their best choices, worst choices, and the ones they somehow forgot. 

The good ones: RZA, Dustin Pedroia (“he’s five foot nothing and plays with more heart than A-Rod will ever know”), Kevin Smith (“that he got fat enough to sit and break a toilet a few months ago is pure gravy”), 27-year-old head speechwriter for Obama Jon Favreau, Czech president and playwright Vaclav Havel, Joe Biden, Shaq.

The lesser men, questionable choices: Newt Gingrich, Michael Phelps (who has the potential to be a great man but currently is just a great boy), and walking Napoleon Complex Nicholas Sarkozy.  By the way, I want to like Michael Phelps a lot, but seeing this picture of him hurt me deeply.

There was also this statement, in reference to Joe Rogan: “I think of him as the embodiment of all that is good and noble in modern man.”

And here’s my list of guys who should have made it.

• Lance Armstrong.  Got cancer and then became the best athlete alive.  He has more balls in his one ball than most men have in both.

• Silvio Berlusconi is the Italian prime minister.  After a recent earthquake in Italy, he joked that the victims should think of their new-found homelessness as a camping weekend, and he says things like this all the time.  He is the most powerful person in the world who can still say whatever the f*ck he wants.

• Vladimir Putin.  Putin is a kingpin.  He plays the game very, very well.

• Bob Saget is a survivor.  Most people have to spend a few years working undesirable jobs to get ahead in their fields.  Bob Saget did it for his entire career, but the hell if he ever gave up, and now he’s finally getting his.

• Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart.

• David Banner.  He has a good time out there.  He released a song called “F*cking.”

• T.I. as well.  He does things and faces consequences.  And no one can ever accuse him of not owning a ton of unregistered guns.

Here’s the original list.  Who are your picks?