Rumer Willis Can Finally Get Laid!!!

Jesus finally responded to Rumer Willis‘ prayers. Lucky girl.  I’m still waiting for those million bucks I wished for.  Way to hook it up big guy.

You’ve tried miracle creams, painful injections, and expensive procedures. But nothing helps.

You’re still incredibly ugly.

If you suffer from retina-scarring, child-terrifying hideousness, hope exists. Not in a bottle but in a bag: the Ugly Bag, a revolutionary, instantaneous solution to common repulsiveness. Just slip it over your horribly disfigured head and let your new life begin.

Maria, formerly known to friends as “Vomit Face,” gushes: “The side effects were difficult at first — sure, I miss being able to see stuff — but it’s worth it.” JoAnne, who for years could make a living only as an extra in zombie films, says, “It’s great! I really [words too muffled to understand due to presence of paper bag on head].”

So don’t delay. Because whether you know it or not, your ugliness is probably hurting you.

And it’s definitely killing us.

If you boys have a knack for sacking all the ugly bitches, click here and buy yourself a bag. It’s only a smidge over a buck fity. Do it. Your penis will thank you.