While You're At It, Gauge My Eyes Out

Here’s pop singer Pink celebrating her newfound freedom basking in the sun wearing some bikini on a boat.

Meanwhile I sit here in my apartment, blood dripping down my bare chest (that’s right, I work topless!) after having gauged my eyes out following my poor eyes having viewed these photos of Pink’s man abs.

There’s no secret as to why Carey Hart and Pink split: Because let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how cool your wife is if her clit is longer than your penis.